That awkward moment when...
Is it time?
Ah-ah~ I'm reading Icha Icha paradise for the nth time but nothing is being retained or even imagined in my head. The reason? It's because in just a few minutes, the academy bell will ring; in just a few minutes I'll be able to see the tanned chuunin sensei, Umino Iruka also called Hatake Kakashi's lover - my lover.
What should I do?
We've been officially going out for two weeks now. Well, we've had dates and small talks even way before that and even kissed a couple of times while drenched in alcohol. Then the confession came. I'm the one who confessed first even though there was still a slight chance to get turned down and that cause me a lot of brainstorming even for a so-called genius like me because, really, I couldn't take it anymore. The moment I realized it, I couldn't help it anymore. I need him to stay with me. I want to treasure him. I long for him to love me back. I crave to love him more. For me, Iruka-sensei is like my favorite alcoholic drink. He's addictive, especially the way he sheepishly and honestly smiles. That smile he would give to me is different. Different from his usual one to the sense that it's not of a friend, not of a student, and not even of a family. It's completely special, it's mixed with longing; it's combined with desire and topped off with love. It's only for me.
Flap. I closed the book and greeted Iruka-sensei as I saw him walk out of the academy gates. And thus the start of our walk...
He's done. And walking side by side with him, I become conscious of his right hand the one closest to mine. How can I touch that slender hand? That familiar hand that is covered by chalk or is holding a pen all day long. That concerned hand used to touch gently the kids around him. That caring hand that seems to radiate warmth to everyone. No. Actually, it's not just the hand. I want to touch everything, to caress Iruka-sensei. I want to see him being pleasure with my contact, melting into my strokes... and I will. Soon, I will. I want to mark him tie him down to me not letting others see him the way I do. This... everything... Umino Iruka is mine. I won't share, not even let people take a peek to his personal sides like how he snuggles his pillow when he sleeps and how he likes being kissed on the neck. I don't want anyone else to know Iruka-sensei acts childish and wants to be pampered when he's dead tired. No one. Never. I definitely won't allow it.
I am going to touch that hand! Should I fake-tripped on my toes and grab Iruka-sensei's hand? I don't think that would work, that's too calculated... Ah! Maybe I should do the classic, y'know, brushing against him slightly and then slowly our fingers would intertwine... or something like that...? No, that's cliché and what if he doesn't respond? Then, should I bluntly ask him if I can hold his hands? Err... Sigh. Seriously... How the heck did this simple walk turn to a somewhat Class S Mission? What the hell happened to me? Me, the Legendary Copy Nin known throughout the ninja world, Hatake Kakashi? It's as if I've been reduced to one single entity with the sole purpose of needing and loving awkwardly, I might add no one but my brunette chuunin sensei.
Sometimes I think I've been put under a genjustu 'cause this is too good to be true. As if I've become vulnerable by the term love, that by using that, it slowly and wonderfully penetrates to my emotional defense; and by the time that I become too satisfied, too loved, with a quick hand seal, everything each emotion, each thought, each feel was nothing but a reverie. But if it were really one, nothing but an illusion I'd kill that bastard leisurely, taking my time cutting that flesh that he'd wish he would just die an immediate death. When I have my fill I will start making that exquisite trance to my own reality again and again and again. No matter what it takes, after all, a dream is only the mirror of reality. But what if Iruka-sensei doesn't reciprocate what I feel for him... that no matter how I tried, he just doesn't see me that way? It that's the reality then... if that happened, I might just... Dammit!I've been thinking too much again. Look what I did; Iruka-sensei's staring at me worriedly, asking if I'm all right.
Here it goes... For real!
Eh? Am I imagining things? Yes, yes. We are still walking but I must have mixed reality and fantasy, not that it ever happened before but with Iruka-sensei, I seem to discover things about myself that I've never seen, felt or acknowledge before. Not even this fidgeting feeling I got just thinking of how I can touch and hold his hand like moments ago. Moments ago... that's right. Because right now, as I look to my left hand and glance at Iruka-sensei's right hand, they are connected. Together. Coupled. This is already too much. This is already bliss.
It happened too fast that even with my known skills it barely registered at first that Iruka-sensei made the first move to stretch out his hand and reach over mine. And how willingly and powerlessly I relaxed as soon as his warm hand made contact to my cold one. It's as if he's washing the doubts I had a couple of minutes ago. It's like he's indirectly telling me, I won't leave you, I'm here and Don't ever think of such things please. How stupid... stupidly in love can I get with this man? Is this what they really call love? Affection. Security. Warmth. Passion. Whatever these are... whatever this is... I could feel it clearly, the surging emotions flowing through my body, unknowingly residing inside me. It's making me comfortable, too comfortable that I might embrace this all the time, welcome it all the time and give this feeling mutually to the source all the time. If this is what it feels to hold Iruka-sensei, I might as well put a handcuff between us so I can get the chance I need to always feel this. Binding him so no one else can do the same, because ever since that sweet confession two weeks ago, I know I'll never let go of him... because now I know I can have him within an arm reach.
One way or another I've managed to overcome that awkward turned to a sweet one moment when I want to hold Iruka-sensei's hand.
Kakashi-sensei? Iruka sensei must have been surprise at my sudden stop.
Kakashi-sensei? He called again as I paid attention to our hands, oh-so-pleasantly together. Ah! I-I'm sorry. I just held it without permission. He clumsily scratched the back of his head with his free hand.
I then instantly tugged him towards my body as I felt him slightly jerk his hand away. His body leaned a little to mine in the process. I put my nose at the side of his neck, nuzzling it a bit, before I finally hovered my lips near his ear.
I love you, Iruka-sensei, as I laced our fingers together and I cunningly added, that I don't think I can ever let go